Wednesday, August 15, 2018

The Truth Is I Never Left You

I'm back, gang.

While a few things came to pass during my lengthy hiatus, let me disabuse you of the notion that they had anything to do with why I left.

The honest answer is that I simply stopped writing.

Maybe I fell into a depression and/or cycle of slightly manic episodes. I probably did, but I can't say for certain as I'm not qualified to make those kinds of diagnoses (and you know I didn't bother to see a therapist! Hahaha! Seriously, though, please get help if you're hurting; this is not a way to live.) Nonetheless, even if that were the case, anyone who has read this blog would say, "wait, isn't being down in the dumps kind of your brand?"

To that I would have to answer, "yes, fictional reader, I suppose it is my brand."

...and may God save anyone who is actually buying it.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

On Any Given Saturday

So, the weekend is here and I'm determined not to piss it away like I normally do. Admittedly, I haven't accomplished much besides doing my laundry, but I'm still miles ahead of where I'd normally be right now.

See, on any given Saturday or Sunday, I'd either be on my way to brunch or already there and three mimosas deep. Best case scenario, I would've dragged myself out of bed around 10am, done 30-45 minutes on the spin bike, showered, dressed, then caught a bus to meet up somewhere. Alas, my iPhone is silent and dark. Most likely due to the combination of an ever-shrinking "friendbase" (like a fanbase, but with friends instead...I think I just made that up) and the rainy weather that's moved in over the area.

The rain's a double-edged sword, however. While it was a perfect excuse to skip my niece's soccer game at 9am (What? You're surprised that I'm a shitty uncle?), and effectively stifled any brunch aspirations, rainy weather can conjure up a malaise which all but extinguishes one's momentum to complete tasks and chores around the house. The longer the downpour, the more likely my day is to spiral into a feedback loop of snacking, Netflix bingeing, masturbation, and napping. 

Fortunately, I did a bit of binge watching last night after dinner, got a good night's sleep, and cranked down 3 times between 4:00am and 8:00am. So, I think I'm safe from the aforementioned spiral, but just in case, I'm going to go make a sandwich and try to clean the kitchen (pro tip: to minimize the chance of submitting to malaise, increase the distance between yourself and the bedroom or couch; work on tasks in the kitchen, bathroom, or yard.)

You never can be too careful when you're up against your own laziness.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

It's Probably Still Good Advice

Spring is here and you know what that means; time to get out there and join the hunt. As I've said countless times before, I'm the last person that can help you succeed with women, but I can help you save some money while you fight the good fight. If you're old like me, and you're thinking of signing up for take a minute to read this post.

If you're young and as of yet unbroken by the world, please close your browser and try to forget you ever found yourself reading this depressing blog. Seriously, get out of this place. Go fire up Tinder, Bumble, Snapchat, or whatever super-streamlined, insta-fuck app it is you whippersnappers use these days. Remember; never use complete sentences, send dick pics if you can't/won't think of anything witty to say (two words for you: dick dioramas), and treat everyone worse than a rescue dog's original owner.

Hey, at least I didn't give you some truly awful advice, like "just be yourself."

p.s. that dick diorama idea is goddamn gold.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Waking Up is Harder Than It Seems

Tweaked the living daylights out of my neck whilst in bed...doing my taxes. I resisted the temptation to pop some of the leftover Tylenol 3 from my surgery, as I had some OTC stuff that was probably safer (and more appropriate.) Regardless, I expect a shit bill of health when I finally drag my carcass in for a physical. 

"Sir, I regret to inform you that, based on these lab results, you actually died two years ago."

Oh well, at least I won't have to worry about anything else ever again. 

Silver linings, am I right?

Half jokes aside, I'm trying to get better. Been wanting to get on the bike in the morning before work, but I just wind up staying in bed until the last minute. I might crank one out or just lay there staring at the ceiling, trying to muster the strength to get up and do it all over again. One of these days, though...

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Our Ways Don't Change

I woke up around 2 o'clock this morning (it's okay, I went to bed at 8:30), and instead of surfing porn tube sites, I read up on dog breeds instead. A part of me thinks getting another dog will help me pull it together, and bring some much needed structure back to my life. Of course, the rest of me simply shrugs and says, "that's a lot of work, so why bother?" The real kicker came when I read about the breed's projected life span of 12-16 years. That's when it hit me; I'm not sure if will even last that much longer. And like *that* I filed the idea away and slipped back into sleep. Two hours later, I'd wake up again. Only this time, I did the sensible thing and watched some internet porn. 

Sunday, February 21, 2016

It Always Ends Up To One Thing

Moving up. 
Moving on. 
Moving out. 

Mark my words, that's what this year's going to be about. Maybe not so much for me, but for those around me. I'm feeling it (and seeing it) with each passing day. Disconnectedness will be the hot topic here as more friends and associates physically relocate or simply drift away as our paths diverge. 

Perhaps it's time for me to go as well? But where would I go, and what would I do once I got there? Truth is, I simply don't know. 

What I do know is that another weekend's just about slipped away and I've got nothing to show for it besides a few bar receipts and a larger pile of dirty laundry. I can't do anything about the former; the money's been spent, so it's long gone. Suppose I'll get off my ass now and go do something about the latter; these dirty socks sure as hell aren't going anywhere. 

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

After the Storm

The storm's been over for two days and I still haven't bothered to dig out my "Bad Weather Car" (my daily driver will likely stay buried for awhile, so long as the aforementioned backup keeps running.) In my defense, I was hungover yesterday. So, there's that.

Clearly, I haven't stopped drinking since last I wrote. Though, I probably should. I have stopped running since then, but only because 1) it got cold and 2) it was hell on my joints. Mostly the latter. Since doing nothing (and getting fatter) was not an option, I bought a spin bike. I miss the feeling of being out in the world, but I don't miss the pain in my ankles, shins, and knees. Not to mention, I can watch TV while I'm spinning. 

Silver linings, right?

Anyhow, it's the beginning of another year and, as usual, I'm hoping to do better in all facets of my life. I was talking to SBAP back before Christmas and he said something to the effect of, "we talk about being sad bastards, but I'm actually happy right now." I was glad to hear it, but I'll admit I couldn't relate. 

Nevertheless, I'm hoping I can say the same thing about myself some time this year. 

It's been too long.