Monday, April 14, 2014

Ain't a Damn Thing Changed

Bet I'm the last person you expected to find here. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are...and it's my blog. 

Anyhow, I won't try to convince you that I've made any significant life changes outside of jerking off with my left hand. Nah, ain't a damn thing changed around these parts. Hell, as we speak, I'm in a bar, drinking alone beside the window, staring (okay, leering) at the talent on the street outside. 

I told you nothing's changed. 

I've got a date in a hour or so. I'm not optimistic. I honestly don't know why I even bother with women who've never met me. Seriously, I've been through this enough times to know how it's going to end; she'll be disappointed and I'll go home to my old friend, Brazzers.com. 

Yes, the destination is assured, but what we don't know is how we'll get there. Which winding road will lead us to that awkward moment when I finally get her to say, "um, it's been nice. I've got an early day tomorrow, so I guess I'd better be going now"?

I won't be a stranger; I promise I'll come back and let you know. 

Monday, November 04, 2013

Burning Down The House

As much as I love the change of seasons and the cooler weather that comes along with it, I can't say that I enjoy the inevitable HVAC system failure that leaves me freezing my ass off. Yes, like some kind of low-rent Superman, I'm sitting in my shitty Fortress of Solitude tonight freezing my bollocks off because my building's boiler has quit on us.

Again.

It's one thing for it to do this to us in the summer, where the only inconvenience is not having any hot water. It sucks, to be sure, but a cold shower isn't so terrible when it's 90+ degrees outside. Hell, it's almost refreshing! That is, it would be if my life wasn't already one big, boner-killing cold shower.

As I've told Major Blood, don't ever buy an old place unless it's been completely gutted and retrofitted with all the latest and greatest equipment (HVAC, plumbing, roof, siding, etc.) Otherwise, they're just a financial drain and a goddamn headache. I swear to God, I probably think about burning this fucker to the ground once every six weeks. The only thing that stops me having a kerosene and matches party is the fact that I've actually got some equity in the place.

Friday, November 01, 2013

We Can't Stop?

Well, Halloween has come and gone. I'm pleased to report that I burned the midnight oil and managed to complete my costume in time. It was a tough couple of days, but I was mostly satisfied with the finished product, and the reviews were quite favorable. As always, had I wasted less time getting wasted and cranking it to porn, I strongly believe I would've finished much sooner and with a better final product. 

Which leads me to this admission: I have failed at my attempt to give up porn. Around the same time that I decided to drop 40 lbs (I'm halfway there, by the way) I also made the decision to quit viewing pornography. The case for quitting is a strong one (Google that shit) but ultimately, the stresses and disappointments of life brought me back to that old familiar darkness within a matter of weeks. I'm nowhere near where I was at my apex, but that's just me rationalizing my failure (like an alkie that says, "Yeah, I'm back to drinking...but at least now I'm not getting piss pants drunk.") I suppose you can't fix everything; at the end of the day, some things just stay broken. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

There's Hope For Us All

Haha! Just kidding! Some of you are shit outta luck; you're hopeless.

Just like me.

Anyhow, I just thought I'd check in to let you know that I'm still alive and kicking. Between getting blind drunk and jerking off to VegasPG/Lady Wolf Star cosplay pics, I've been trying (and failing) to prepare for Halloween. In fact, I just had to restart the mask I was working on because I applied the wrong releasing agent to the mold. 

Yeah, I'm just a fuckup like that. 

On the plus side, I've lost 19.5 lbs since late August, so small victories and what not. 

Monday, October 07, 2013

Every Night I Die

Your fearless leader is in a bad way, sad bastards. I'm always banged up physically, hell, that's nothing new; bodies get old. But oh, what a state my mind's been in! I've hardly slept in weeks, and when I am allowed a moment's rest it's a fitful sleep, filled with nightmares. I've been consumed by flames, had my house fall down upon me, drowned at sea, and so forth. Suffice to say, dreaming isn't one of my favorite things to do these days. 

Don't you worry about me, though; it's going to take a lot more than a couple sleepless nights and horrifying nightmares to stop this sad bastard. Nah, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't built for this shit. 

I'll see you in my dreams. 

Thursday, October 03, 2013

Your Dreams Won't Come True

I didn't have too many dreams as a kid; never once thought about going to college, having some cool career, or getting married. I like to think that some small part of me was wise enough not to get my hopes up for a bright and shining future. Yes, somewhere in my hindbrain I knew the truth; my dreams weren't ever coming true. 

Let's be honest, unless you're that magic combination of highly-driven, hardworking, and lucky, you're gonna end up just like the rest of us schmucks; just hoping that life doesn't crush you too much. Don't feel bad, that's pretty much how it is for everyone. Can you imagine living in a world where everyone's dreams came true? 

Sheeeit...

Now, you might have painfully small, mundane, dreams like, say, eating an exceptionally well-made Reuben sandwich, visiting Omaha, Nebraska, or obtaining your very own SBSC t-shirt. While those are all pathetic excuses for dreams, they are also well-within the reach of even the saddest of sad bastards. 

Especially that last one.

Yes, SBSC shirts are coming back.  Don't sleep, or you'll have to take your chances on that Reuben sandwich in Omaha. 

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Saving Your Sad Self

I may be a sad bastard, but that doesn't mean that I don't have my happy moments. And if there's one thing that I've learned from said moments, it's that they don't fucking last. That's right, sooner or later things are going to go south. I don't care who you are, some shit is going to befall you at some time in your life. You'll lose your job, your girl will leave you, your car will break down, people you care about will die, etc. Fortunately, I've got just the thing to help get you up off the floor when life inevitably knocks you on your ass.

Custom-made motivational speeches.

Look, I love a good motivational speech as much as the next guy, but I find that when I'm in the doldrums I need something that's meant specifically for me. Otherwise, I'll just sit there and say, "yeah, but what does this guy know about my pain?" It's true, only we know how we feel when we're depressed.  It follows then that we should make our own motivational speeches for when we're down in the dumps. The key is to do it when you're at a peak, when you exude that certain radiance that only comes from success and happiness. Otherwise, your sad self will see that you're just going through the motions and it will have been an exercise in futility.

So, the next time you're riding high, take minute to record an upbeat message imploring your future sad self to shake it off and keep going. You'll thank yourself for it later.