Thursday, July 16, 2015

An Anniversary of Sorts

I just realized that today marks exactly one month to the day that I decided I needed to start getting out of bed at the crack of dawn and running. I had to take a lot of showers whilst in New Orleans, simply because 1) it's humid as fuck down there and 2) I'm fat and sweat a lot. After a drunken, gluttonous night of partying, it only took one look at my naked body in the hotel bathroom mirror for me to realise that something had to be done. 

My scale confirmed things when I returned home; I'd blown up to the size of an NFL tight end. Minus the height, muscle, athleticism, and salary. With nagging back and neck injuries, I couldn't dive into circuit training or weights like I could in the past. Nope, I was going to have to do this literally one step at a time. 

So that's my life right now. Walking miles before dawn, running in brief spurts (mostly when I encounter hot chicks, so as to not appear as pathetically out of shape), and jumping rope because, well, I figure it can't hurt. I know a beach body isn't in the cards for me this summer, but I'd be more than happy if I could get there by New Year's. 


Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Let Go

Just made a rookie laundry mistake and ruined a couple shirts. Definitely sucks, but it's not like I don't have enough clothes. Guess it was the universe's way of forcing me to scale back my wardrobe a bit.

Its way of making me let go. 

It's just as well, I'm surrounded by things. You name it, I've probably got it (or something like it) squirreled away here. Just waiting, and for what? A moment that'll likely never come. 

Pointless preparedness. 

Still, I'll get this wreck in order before long. Make sure it's ready for the one moment that's guaranteed to come for all of us. My entire lifetime packed and organized to that it can be cleared out and carted away in an afternoon. 

Maybe it makes up for the shitty Christmas gifts?


Monday, June 08, 2015

I'll Fly Away

Wheels up in a few days. Flight is paid for, (single) room is booked, and I'm doing laundry. Trips are hard, returns are harder, so Present Day Me is doing Future Me a favour by getting that sorted out now. Clean bed linens, underwear and clothes for work will be much appreciated when Future. Me returns home, overstressed and unhinged by travel.

I'm worried about the itinerary, costs and, admittedly, the heat. C'mon, y'all know I don't do hot places. But this is not my show, this is not my star turn. No, I need to shut off the maladjusted man inside of me and turn in a Best Supporting Actor performance like none other. My only goal for this entire trip is to shut the fuck up and do my damnedest to facilitate everyone else's good time...without assistance from Xanax or binge drinking. 

I might even buy myself a trophy when I pull it off. 

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Don't You Think This Sad Bastard Bit's Done Got Out of Hand?

At work, mildly hungover and blankly staring out the window when it hits me; we've been doing this for a decade. 

I thought about doing shirts, but money's tight. Perhaps arrange a happy hour, though I question who'd even bother to show up. 10 years of being drunk, miserable and alone. I have to stop and ask myself, "is this really something worthy of celebration?"

No, it's probably not. 

For a moment, I considered quietly shutting things down. Pull the plug and vanish. Turn off the lights and walk away for good.  

But I can't do that. 

Not yet, at least. 


Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Let Me Save You Some Money

Spring is here and whatever passes for love these days is in the air. Odds are you might be tempted to go and try your luck on a dating site. Well, in the event that you decide to go with Match.com let me throw you a tip or two that could save you some cash. First off, don't pay right away. That's right, sign up, write your profile, peruse the goods, and then putz around a bit. Depending on how desireable you are on paper, you'll get some page views, winks, and messages right out the gate. Resist the curiosity to see what your audience is like (only paying customers can read/send messages and see who has viewed their profile.) Match will bombard you with emails reminding you that you're a sought after member and that you should subscribe straight away.

Fuck that noise. 

Seriously, ignore their pressure for a week or so. Use that time to work on your profile, bookmark potential matches you'd like to contact, send winks, whatever. Hell, it doesn't matter so long as you don't pull the trigger. 

Then it will happen; you'll get an email offering you a discounted subscription! BAM! Good things come to those who wait, it's true! Use the money you saved to buy a round of drinks on your first date. 

I only subscribe for 90-day stretches, cos there's only so much of this shit I can take. If you're like me, but have a stronger constitution and are less prone to bouts of despondency, you might find yourself nearing the end of your short subscription but still have the desire to keep fighting the good fight. Cool. Here's what you do; cancel your subscription.  

Before they let you finalize the termination, they'll make a last ditch effort to get you to stay and throw another discounted subscription at you. Viola! Another couple months at the bargain price. Remember to do this about 10-14 days before your subscription is set to expire. 

But what if you're like me and you pull the trigger on termination? It's okay because THEY WILL HIT YOU UP AGAIN! That's right, don't fret if you have a change of heart, because you'll get an email offering yet another discounted rate if you come back/stay. Hence, the reason I suggested terminating subscription before the expiration date (also important to note because they'll just re-up you automatically at the regular rate if you don't do anything before the end of your term.)

Look, at the end of the day, the only thing I succeeded at was failing miserably. So, if you're playing to win (as you should be) then clearly I can't help you. I can, however, save you a couple bucks as you try to avoid ending up in the same boat as me.

Good luck out there.

Sunday, February 08, 2015

The Wanting Is The Hardest Part

The old adage that, "you can't miss what you never had" is as true as it comes. But wanting what you never (or rarely ever) had, well, that's another story. 

As humans, we've all learned to go without to some extent or another. So, outside of the basics of food, water, and shelter, we can still manage to get by. I found, however, that once you add desire or want to the equation, things get (or seem to get) a significantly trickier. 

Like with most things, I haven't got an answer. All I know is that if I could somehow flip whatever internal switch is responsible for making us want, well, then my life would probably be fantastic. Even if it wasn't, at least I wouldn't know any better. 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Detox to Retox

After a particularly boozy and gluttonous Christmas season, I decided to start the year by doing a juice cleanse. It cost me a pretty penny, but now that I'm done I can honestly say it was worth it. Mostly because it reminded me that I don't need to eat and drink so goddamn much, but also because my pants fit better now. 

I always tell folks, especially us sad bastards, "sometimes, when you feel like giving up, what you need is one little win to keep you going." Well, given my New Year's Resolution overload, this cleanse was definitely that little win for me. With one thing marked off the list, I might just find the will to hang on, even as the others (fitness, dating, career, etc.) begin to feel more and more hopeless. 

I don't know when the next win is coming, so I'll enjoy this one for the moment. I'll also enjoy the pizza I just ordered. Because I earned it.