Monday, July 07, 2014

It's All Just Money

I opened the mailbox this evening to find another statement from my health insurance company. I'm having a small procedure done to fix some ongoing numbness in my left arm. Anyhow, I suppose the presurgical tests and consultations are finally starting to come due; numbers with two and three zeroes behind them. I like to think of them as a not-so-pleasant reminder that I don't live in Norway. 

The sad thing is that I actually have health insurance, so things could be significantly worse. Still, I'm dreading when the bill for surgery comes due. So much for that raise I just got and the plans I'd made (hookers, top quality hookers...but that's a story for another time.)

To think, I've been pretty bummed out that this girl I'd been seeing didn't want to date me (well, not exclusively.) In hindsight it's for the best that we went our separate ways, because honestly, dating is fucking expensive. Factor those costs in with my monthly expenses, then toss in these new medical bills...shit, I'd be bankrupt or damn near to it. 

So, at the end of the day I'll remain lonely, but I'll be solvent. Though, if I'm gonna be alone, perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to fix this numb arm. I mean, I can do "The Stranger" without any sort of preparation. Blessings in disguise, I suppose...

Wednesday, July 02, 2014

There Will Always Be A Part Of You In Pain

A funny thing has happened to me in middle age, and that is the introduction of random aches and pains. Take for instance this past Monday morning, when I woke up with a sore left hip and knee that would last for much of the day. Now, you'll ask whether I might've done something the day before to cause said soreness. 


Unless sitting on a bar stool or walking to the bus stop now qualifies as high impact exercise, I was on cruise control for much of the day. Let's be honest; it's too damn hot and humid in the DC area to be going all out these days. 

Fortunately, the sore knee and hip vanished by nightfall. So, I went to bed in good spirits. How I woke up, on the other hand, was an entirely diffent story. While my hip and knee soreness had subsided, it'd since been replaced by an awful knotting in my upper back. I thought about seeing a masseuse yesterday, but got distracted by the USMNT match vs Belgium.  

Like so many times before, I simply decided to drink until I didn't hurt anymore...

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Things Fall Apart

...or you smash them in your sleep. 

Woke up this morning to find that I'd destroyed a floor lamp that sits next to my bed. It wasn't an expensive lamp, and I managed to salvage its fluorescent bulb, but it still kinda sucked seeing as how, you know, the damn thing was working just fine. 

I don't know what's going on in my head that my mind feels the need to lash out in my sleep (which I don't get much of these days!) but it needs to calm the fuck down STAT. Hell, I'm trying to hold things together here, and flukey shit like this is the last thing I need.  

I swear to God, if I wake up one morning and my laptop is trashed, I will kick my own ass. 

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Don't Ever Let Them Win

Today found me better than yesterday. I mean, I was still pretty fucking miserable, but it wasn't as heavy. I fell asleep in a chair almost immediately after I got home from work. Fortunately, I managed to get myself out of the fog long enough to take care of some things around the house. 

Small things, small steps, I know. But it's something. Right about now, that's exactly what I need to keep the nothingness from creeping in and taking hold. 

In other news, for the third time in as many days, a woman tried to tell me what to do with my beard. Why do they suddenly care whether I get laid or not? They sure as hell didn't care before. If it's such a big deal, then I say stop talking and ante up. 

Monday, June 23, 2014

Can't Start A Fire Without A Spark

Told you guys, it was it was only a matter of time before you'd find me back here. 

I'll tell you what though, the weight of being a sad bastard is really starting to drag me down. I suppose it's just like everything else; you just can't bounce back like you did when you were younger. Hell, when we started this shit, I could've wrapped myself in a heavy cloak of misery and quiet disappointments. I'd laugh, pound my chest, and tell you, "this is what I do!"

Not anymore. 

There are no defiant, youthful sneers. No laughing. No chest-pounding. Nowadays it's constant weariness, and a hollow feeling that seems to wash over everything. I mean, strip away all of the hopeful parts from Springsteen's, "Dancing In The Dark" and that's basically what I've got going on:

I get up in the evening, 
and I ain't got nothing to say.
I come home in the morning,
I go to bed feeling the same way...

I shit you not, but that one stanza encapsulates the whole of my existence these days. I'm completely done at work. Every single day is merely an exercise in "running out the clock." I suppose spending nearly a decade toiling in what was only meant to be a stop-gap measure has a way of doing that to a fella. 

I cringe whenever I get emails from my well-intentioned parents with information on classes I can take to "bolster my resumé", or networking events I can attend to "put feelers out for better opportunities." I swear to God, it's getting harder and harder not to reply with, "I'd sooner put a gun in my mouth than do anything that would find me further entrenched in this field." 

The way things are going, I suppose I'd better come up with a gentler way of putting that. 

Man, I ain't getting nowhere,
I'm just living in a dump like this. 
There's something happening somewhere,
Baby, I just know that there is...

If this weren't so goddamned spot-on, it might be hilarious. But the fact of the matter is that I'm typing this in the hot, miserable, darkness of my woefully-outdated and shockingly-cluttered condo; it wouldn't be a much of a leap to call this place, "a dump." And yes, I know for a fact that there is something happening somewhere, hell, it's the reason why I'm never home. 

On the plus side, the sun has finally gone down on this day. So now I can go jerk off in the shower and then call it a night. Who knows? Perhaps tomorrow I'll find the spark that gets this fire started.  

Monday, April 14, 2014

Ain't a Damn Thing Changed

Bet I'm the last person you expected to find here. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are...and it's my blog. 

Anyhow, I won't try to convince you that I've made any significant life changes outside of jerking off with my left hand. Nah, ain't a damn thing changed around these parts. Hell, as we speak, I'm in a bar, drinking alone beside the window, staring (okay, leering) at the talent on the street outside. 

I told you nothing's changed. 

I've got a date in a hour or so. I'm not optimistic. I honestly don't know why I even bother with women who've never met me. Seriously, I've been through this enough times to know how it's going to end; she'll be disappointed and I'll go home to my old friend, 

Yes, the destination is assured, but what we don't know is how we'll get there. Which winding road will lead us to that awkward moment when I finally get her to say, "um, it's been nice. I've got an early day tomorrow, so I guess I'd better be going now"?

I won't be a stranger; I promise I'll come back and let you know. 

Monday, November 04, 2013

Burning Down The House

As much as I love the change of seasons and the cooler weather that comes along with it, I can't say that I enjoy the inevitable HVAC system failure that leaves me freezing my ass off. Yes, like some kind of low-rent Superman, I'm sitting in my shitty Fortress of Solitude tonight freezing my bollocks off because my building's boiler has quit on us.


It's one thing for it to do this to us in the summer, where the only inconvenience is not having any hot water. It sucks, to be sure, but a cold shower isn't so terrible when it's 90+ degrees outside. Hell, it's almost refreshing! That is, it would be if my life wasn't already one big, boner-killing cold shower.

As I've told Major Blood, don't ever buy an old place unless it's been completely gutted and retrofitted with all the latest and greatest equipment (HVAC, plumbing, roof, siding, etc.) Otherwise, they're just a financial drain and a goddamn headache. I swear to God, I probably think about burning this fucker to the ground once every six weeks. The only thing that stops me having a kerosene and matches party is the fact that I've actually got some equity in the place.