Rock The Vote: The Brawl To Settle It All

Please vote for our de facto homebase in the DC metropolitan area, Eatbar, in the Washingtonian's best burger contest thingie.

Live Through This

Apparently, the sun is going to fuck us up.

There Must Be Some Kind Of Way Out Of Here

I fell asleep on the metro this morning and nearly missed my stop before I snapped back to consciousness, disoriented and agitated. I stumbled out of the train and up the escalator to the street, all the while hoping I wouldn't lose my footing and crash into the giant mechanic lumbering just ahead of me. This had never happened to me before, but as I ran to catch the bus and slumped down into an empty seat I knew exactly what the problem was.

It's time for me to go.

Now when I say "go" I don't mean in the basic unidirectional or multidirectional sense, but rather that it's time for me to move on to better things, to grasp the life that I was meant to live. You see, the accumulated events of recent weeks have revealed unto me just how stagnant my life has become. Furthermore, these revelations have brought about a heightened sense of awareness within me of the limited amount of time which we all have on this earth. Seriously, I could buy the farm tomorrow and have fuck all to show for it. This being the case, I have decided that I'm long overdue for a change. Mind you, these are not superficial, minor changes we're talking about here. No, I'm talking about some mind-altering, life-altering shit that needs to transpire.

I must burn this motherfucker to the ground and rebuild it from the ashes.

So with that, I am pleased to announce that in a few short weeks I will kick off the I AM THE RESURRECTION tour. Warm-up dates begin this weekend with an appearance in Richmond, Virginia.

Wish me luck, sad bastards, and I hope to see you on the other side.

There's Always An Upside

I may have quite accidentally, stumbled upon the perfect diet for abdominals; depression. Due to a diminished appetite, I have been eating little more than one small meal a day for the last several days (I am typically, to my detriment, a 3 square meal guy...with snacks in between.) When I looked in the mirror this morning, I was astonished to see a level of abdominal definition that I have not known since my time in The Terminal. Of course, during those days, I was hefting luggage all day long and doing a structured ab workout in the evenings. These days, on the other hand, I'm mostly laying in a fetal position on the couch, staring into space and trying not to cry.

So there you have it; the secret to tight abs is all in your mind! Forget exercise and physical activity, hard work is for suckers. Just find a reason to get depressed and you will be on your way to the six-pack you've always wanted!

Sad Bastard, Where Art Thou?

From the end of the earth you may cry unto me, when thou art beset by the douche and thy heart is overwhelmed by sobriety; lead me to the bar that is greater than I!

And I shall do so with gladness and singleness of heart.

Rejoice, sad bastards, your broken leader has returned.

Fresh Bills, Old Wounds

It's been awhile since I rapped at you lot, but seeing as how no one can be bothered to stop by, much less leave a comment, it's no big deal. El Rojo and I just got back from this month's SBSC Titty Bar Tuesday celebration. Needless to say, it was sparsely-attended, but we understand things are busy for a lot of you guys these days. Hopefully, you'll make it out for next month's TBT gathering. Also, for the first time in awhile, I think I spent more time talking to our cocktail waitress than eyeing the dancers with that "lean and hungry look" of which I speak so often. In any case, she was pretty darn sweet, so if you find yourselves going to Camelot in the near future, ask to be seated in Erin's section.