Sad Bastards Social Club

It Doesn't Have To Be Like This

2012-01-04T21:13:00.001-05:00

Within half an hour of arriving at work today, I put in for leave on Friday. No particular reason, other than I can't take this shit anymore. I've been on auto-pilot for the better part of three years now, and I don't see things improving here. I'm thankful to have a job, especially when so many people in this country are struggling, but there comes a point where one has to stop and take stock of their life. Try as I might, I can't envision another 25-30 years like this, where the high point of my workday consists of getting the occasional free soda from the vending machine and looking at shaved pussies on my cellphone (yay, Tumblr!) during my lunch break (okay, okay...every 2 hours.)

We've been talking about loneliness quite a bit these days, and sure it can be a drag but the flipside to loneliness, to having no one in your life, is that you're only responsible for yourself. I think it was SBKW that once said to me, "It took having kids for me to realize just how free I was before." That's some heavy shit right there, but he's right on; with kids and a soon-to-be-wife, he can't, no matter how much he wants to, say "fuck it" and dip out on his job. But me? I've only got myself and this mangy hound to worry about; what the hell am I still doing here?

So, I told my co-workers today, "we should take thirty minutes a day to brainstorm ideas to get us the hell out of this place." They may not know it, but I'm as serious as a heart attack. I'm shooting for the stars, but I really only need to clear the treetops; enough to pay off my mortgage and I'm home fucking free. Seriously, I'd go back to working at The Terminal as a part-timer, and maybe spend a month or two travelling each year. All the while, working on an even bigger scheme to line my pockets because, while I can get by on less, I'd prefer not to have to do so.

I don't know about you lot, but I don't want to be, "wishing too late for things to go my way."

Death gets nearer with each passing day, so let's do this shit.

Let's get free.

Loneliness. Working Title.

2011-12-27T21:48:00.002-05:00

Loneliness. The definition is in the dictionary. It means something different for all of us. For me, it's sitting at a bar, alone, beer in hand, ear buds in, Ipod pumping something mellow in my ears (eg: The Smiths) whilst I check my phone every ten-minutes for a text. A text from who? Someone. ~~Preferably a boy~~. Preferably a boy I am interested in spending more time with.

This scenario happened to me tonight. What do I do about it? Nothing. I've been told multiple times that if there isn't a text or phone call, there probably isn't an interest. Hence my current state of ~~selfishness~~ "finding myself" leads me to be alone.

So, this sad bastardette is alone, writing, eating an open-faced sandwich with spinach, and still watching my phone for a green light flashing to alert me of a new text. Just in case my phone magically went on silent. Maybe I should restart it? Maybe there is a text that didn't get pushed thr.... oh who am I kidding?

I would also rather be alone than with someone I don't enjoy. So, keep that in mind when you are sad and crying in your pillow at night. I know I'm not the only one.

Meanwhile, while SBN1 is participating in the "humiliation diet" plan, I'll be going through the motions of my fourth (or fifth?) time of Weight Watchers. 2011 was the "Year of Caroline". 2012's slogan is "Get Shit Done". So, fat no more forever will also be in my near future.

So This Is Christmas?

2011-12-25T08:36:00.003-05:00

...and the bells were ringing out on Christmas day.

I thought about writing this post when I got back from the bar early this AM, but I passed out so that kind of put an end to that plan. In fact, it had been swirling around in my mind the entire evening. Walking through empty streets and quiet neighborhoods, sitting at the end of a bar, I had a lot of thoughts about Christmas and the loneliness epidemic in America. Of course, now that the sun's come up and the booze has worn off, I'm at a loss for words again.

Guess I should have taken notes, eh?

No matter, the original intent still remains. So, whether you're waking up today beside a loved one, in a house full of family, or all alone in a flat that's in shambles, or on a park bench reeking of booze, I want to wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas, you sad bastards.

Now, if you haven't already, please enjoy the video taken from the Federal Reserve show from Friday. I didn't get the first couple of lines, cos my phone was acting up but I got most of it. I'd tell you what the song is, but if you don't already know it, well, that might be grounds for suspension of your SBSC membership.

Hahaha! Just kidding, guys!

p.s. I'm not kidding.

My Fall Check In.

2011-11-02T20:23:00.004-04:00

Life takes over, no time to blog. Sorry to the 1 or 2 folks in the world whom might give a shit. Been busy with the kiddos, work and the fiance. Yep, one vagina for the rest of my life. I am ok with that, for once in my life I am with someone I actually like as a person (not to mention I think she is hot). While the romance front may be pretty cool, there will always be sadness/anger in my heart as long as I have to work. And live near so many fuckers. Once and always a Sad Bastard. Talk to you next winter.

She Can Get It [REDUX] : Anna Prior of Metronomy

2011-10-24T22:21:00.001-04:00

I know it's been a minute since any of us posted here last. I can't speak for the rest of the gang, but I've been ~~busy~~ lazy. On the plus side, I've been posting on the mini-site on a semi-regular basis, so there's that. It's even more shallow and vapid than this site, so don't expect much beyond boob pics, random youtube videos, and me bitching about fantasy football.

But I digress, this weekend The Captain was in town and we both had the privilege of seeing Metronomy perform at The Rock & Roll Hotel. The band put on an outstanding show that covered material from all three albums and a rocking good time was had by all. Hell, I'm sure that if you poke around on youtube you can find some videos taken by audience members.

Anyhow, the band has a handful of tour dates left in North America and then it's back across the pond. So, I'd recommend trying to catch them in the next couple of days. Unless, of course, you live in Europe, in which case I say, "fuck you" and also, "can I please sleep on your sofa?"

Now I suppose it is high time that we addressed the elephant in the room...

WE WERE IN THE SAME BUILDING AS ANNA PRIOR! I PROBABLY BREATHED IN SOME OF THE AIR THAT SHE BREATHED OUT! THINK ABOUT THAT SHIT FOR A MINUTE, SON! DAAAAAAAAAAAMN! SHE IS GREEEEEEEEEAT! WAAAAAAAT?!?!?!

Alright, now that all of the histrionics are over, I'll explain for the folks that don't understand what that was all about (read: everyone.) A couple of months ago, I wrote this unassuming little post. Little did I realize that it would go on to become the most viewed post in the history of this shitty, insignificant, blog.

I'm dead serious, dudes. Almost no one visits this blog outside of a few SBSC members that pop by every few months...and that's when they remember that it's even here at all. So it's astonishing that one tiny post would rack up so many views. In addition to that, the stats show that the top three searches that bring people here all have to do with, you guessed it, Anna Prior of Metronomy.

So for all of the folks who have paid the SBSC a visit over the last couple of months (if only searching for information about the talented Ms Prior), thank you for stopping by and I hope that you can catch Metronomy on tour soon.

p.s. and it should go without saying, Anna Prior handles her business on the drums and can totally get it.

If you disagree, then we can't be friends.

If The Summer's Gone, Weather, Be The F*** Gone With It

2011-09-23T21:06:00.003-04:00

The Last Ass of Summer

So today is the first day of Fall, and yet it's still well past seventy degrees Fahrenheit and plenty humid here in the DC metro area. What's more, it will be damn near eighty for the next few days. I don't know about you, but this sad bastard is more than ready for the temperature to drop about 25 degrees. Seriously, that shit could happen tonight and I would be okay with it. I'm fucking tired of sweating even though I'm not doing anything physically demanding. I'm tired of getting bitten by mosquitoes when I take my dog out for a walk. I'm tired of paying higher electric bills because I've got to run my goddamn A/C. So come on, warm weather, get your ass off this 500 Days of Summer kick and get the fuck out so Fall can do its thing.

Also, I realize that I have probably just wished a hellacious winter upon us, and for that, I am truly sorry. I hope that the booty pic provides you all with some small measure of happiness when we are inevitably cursing the bitter cold that is certain to descend upon the area.

A Farewell to Facebook?

2011-09-22T19:33:00.003-04:00

I ain't missing you at all, Facebook.

A couple of weeks ago, partly as a money-saving measure, I began a "Social Sabbatical." A few days in, I decided to unplug from Facebook as well. At first, I figured I'd return to Facebook when the Social Sabbatical was over, but as time goes on I'm realizing that I really don't miss it. In fact, I've even considered deleting my profile all together. At the end of the day I decided to keep it, mainly to keep from having to explain to folks who might ask, "why'd you leave?", but also for the handful of friends and acquaintances who have no other way of contacting me (although, as I typed that I'm wondering why they couldn't just take down the email address or phone number on my information page and use those to contact me?) In any case, I figured I'd let you sad bastards know what the deal was just in case you were wondering why you hadn't heard anything from me on Facebook in awhile. Of course, you should all, at the very least, have my phone number.

And for those that might ask, "why didn't you give up Twitter as well?" I have three reasons: 1) almost no one that I know uses it, 2) I get twice the useful content with only a fraction of the friend drama that comes along with using Facebook, and 3) there are titties.

And speaking of #3, check out the SBSC tumblr site. Now with 50% MORE TITTIES and 75% LESS WORDS than this blog!

I Can Feel It Coming In The Air Tonight

2011-08-30T21:13:00.000-04:00

Ready your jackets and sweaters; Autumn is almost upon us! I'll miss the exposed flesh that summer brings out, but the accompanying heat and humidity of the DC metro area during this time of year are my sworn enemies.

Keeping It In The Family

2011-08-29T23:11:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how many of you have a brother, a sister, or both. Myself, I am the youngest with two older brothers and an older sister. Growing up I worked for the family business and there was constant sibling rivalry. We all got along, we all did our jobs, but at the end of the day it was always who fucked up worse than the other.

TV shows that depict family businesses are my favorite. I especially love when they showcase sibling rivalry. While I was visiting my family in Michigan I started watching Hardcore Pawn, which is a reality show based in Detroit, Michigan at the family-owned pawn shop American Jewelry. Since I'm not sure how exactly to describe this show other than that people go nuts when they don't get what they want, I've added a clip of the perfect example of the brother and sister, Seth and Ashley.

It's a family business, blood is thicker than water, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family, and any other cliches you think are appropriate. I'm just glad that there is another family business out there that is crazier than ours.

Let It Come Down

2011-08-27T13:11:00.003-04:00

Another good bar is closing down in Clarendon, there's a hurricane coming, and to top it all off I'm broke and alone.

You better believe this sad bastard is getting drunk tonight.

You Have No Excuse Not To Cop This: The Weeknd (redux)

2011-08-26T15:14:00.000-04:00

The Weeknd dropped another mixtape last week.

I Need This In My Life

2011-08-23T18:44:00.000-04:00

Swedish Columbia t-shirt

There Is Always A Silver Lining

2011-08-10T18:22:00.001-04:00

"Dear Abi..."

Standing in line to buy a lottery ticket today, I saw Amy Winehouse on the cover of a magazine. My first thought was, "Tsk, tsk, such a talented girl. Sad that she had to go and die like that." My second thought was, "Hmmm, didn't Amy cover The Zutons? Oh yeah, she did...and their saxophone player is hot!"

Escape to Detroit......or Baroda(fett)

2011-08-10T12:35:00.000-04:00

After working eleven hours today, I am tired of this place. While most of you probably think that's not a whole lot, or "suck it up, Junior" I would normally concur. But work has been unusually annoying the past few months.

Happily I leave on Thursday for first Chicago, then to my family's house in Michigan. While there I will swim in the pool, play with our dogs, go to our race track and other things that I enjoy doing whilst in Michigan. Oh, and I will be attending my 10-year high school reunion.

Why am I going? I have no idea. There could be multiple reasons, but then I would be hating. Instead, maybe it will be a great time and in the end that's all I really care about.

I'm looking forward to the getaway. In the meantime, check out this track.

Sounds of Summer: Washed Out

2011-08-07T18:20:00.004-04:00

Music sounds better with booze...and boobs.

Even with the myriad options available to me, I am too old and/or lazy to look for new music. Hence, I rely on genre specialists like Piff Tannen and SBCP. The latter hipped me to this track from Washed Out which I will probably be playing in my car for the remaining weeks of summer.

Global Warming: An Ongoing Study of International Hotness

2011-08-06T17:41:00.000-04:00

Sarah Palin kan ikke konkurrere med dette.

Norwegian model,Tove Lill Løyte, is also the hottest politician ever.
Virtual high-five to SBD2 for sharing.

The Future Looks Bright

2011-08-01T22:51:00.001-04:00

...for old dudes who want to bang out college chicks. Step your money game up, sad bastards; this could be you in 20-30 years. Hell, the United States will probably be a Third World country by then, so "arrangements" might even cost less!

I'm On My Grind

2011-07-30T10:41:00.002-04:00

I'm not ballin' like Rick Ross and DJ Khaled, so I can't really pull off the heavyset look. Hence, I bought a blender last week, and now I'm out here grinding the shit out of some fruit and vegetable smoothies every morning. One tip I'll share with you, courtesy of The Captain; add some coconut water.

She Can Get It: Hayley Atwell

2011-07-27T19:26:00.002-04:00

Hayley Atwell plays Peggy Carter in Captain America: The First Avenger. But I don't have anything to say about that since I haven't seen the movie yet. However, I've read somewhere on the internets that Atwell got her start acting in a Pringles commercial. Now, having eaten more than my fair share of them, I can tell you that Pringles are fucking delicious. Anyhow, according to Wikipedia, MTV Networks' NextMovie.com has named Atwell one of the 'Breakout Stars to Watch for in 2011.'

Sheeeeit, I'm just hoping that rack breaks out of her blouse.

High Infidelity

2011-07-20T02:09:00.009-04:00

I was drinking with a wise man the other day and he shared with me these rules for infidelty, "cheating" if you will;

1) "Don't shit where you eat"
Should be intuitive, but stay away from neighbors, co-workers, etc.

2) "Full disclosure"
Again, should be intuitive, but make sure you divulge all pertinent details (i.e. "I'm married/engaged/dating/Batman") before embarking on your journey.

3) "Have less to lose"
I know I sound like a broken record, but again, this should be intuitive; make sure that you have less to lose (i.e. if you've got a girlfriend, then she's got a husband) if things go south.

Mind you, I'm not saying go out and be unfaithful. That's not the case at all. Nah, I'm just sharing some knowledge that was dropped on me.

Will The Last Sad Bastard Please Turn Out The Lights?

2011-07-13T23:25:00.001-04:00

"As it was in the beginning, so shall it be in the end."

A very appropriate quote for our little group these days, as we've dwindled down to just a handful of sad bastards. Sometime contributor and former SBSC compliance officer, SBKW? Happy. Another contributor and our group's only legacy member, SBMF? Shit, he's so happy, he pulled up stakes and left town. They aren't the only ones; SBCS, SBAP, and even the legendary SB44, have all gotten out from under their respective dark clouds to some degree or another.

I'm sure there are a few more, given the dispersed nature of the gang these days. But that's okay, because I know that some (though, not all) of them will be back and I'm like Motel 6 up in this motherfucker; I'll leave the light on for y'all.

You Can't Win 'Em All

2011-07-06T22:50:00.001-04:00

USA! USA! USA!

In Women's World Cup action, Team USA fell to the Swedes this afternoon.

Now, instead of lamenting the country's continued slide down the toilet of life, let's just look at this photo of Brooklyn Decker and think happy thoughts about America.

Feels better, doesn't it? I know, cos boobies take the pain away.

Here's To The Good Times

2011-07-04T11:00:00.001-04:00

Written over 25 years ago, but eerily apropos of the current situation in America. Make of that what you will and have a happy Fourth of July, you sad bastards.

These Days I Barely Get By

2011-06-27T21:44:00.001-04:00

Fuck Edward AND Jacob; I'm on Team Sideboob.

...without porn.

Twitter and, by extension, Tumblr are the new frontier of internet porn. Start your journey down the rabbit hole by following @CleavageTweet.

She Can Get It: Mireille Enos

2011-06-21T10:10:00.001-04:00

My predilection for redheads is becoming obvious.

So I watched the last seven episodes of The Killing this weekend and found myself mostly disappointed with the finale (apparently, I wasn't the only one.) But what I wasn't disappointed in was the lead actress, Mireille Enos, despite the show's attempt to bust her down and hide what appears to be a fantastic rack. Apparently, though, this isn't the first show where they've made her all Plain Jane. Silly fools, you can't hide hot...at least, not for long.

When Everybody Loves (To Hate) You...

2011-06-14T10:39:00.003-04:00

Mr. James wishes he was someone just a little more funky.

To the delight of Mavericks fans everywhere, Dallas beat Miami in the NBA finals this weekend. I'd go so far as to say that the only folks that are feeling better than Mavericks fans right now are the Lebron haters (not that the two are mutually exclusive.) While I was onboard with the Lebron haters throughout this finals run, I think it's time we went our separate ways.

You see, the hater bandwagon has become far too crowded for my liking. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that now is the perfect time (for me, at least) to become a Lebron fan. The way I see it, there's a point where the haters become as bad as the fans (or homers, or stans, or whatever you want to call them.) I felt the same way with Kobe back in the day. Prior to "The Colorado Incident", I couldn't stand him. Like Lebron, he was ubiquitous, overhyped, and even worse he had some championship hardware to boot. But when the news of the rape accusation hit the airwaves the tide of public opinion turned, most of his sponsors abandoned him and the chorus of boo birds turned into a full-blown hoarde of haters.

And that's when I became a fan.

Kobe eventually bounced back, had some legendary games (81 points, anyone?), picked up some more hardware (NBA titles, Olympic gold medal)and even had an ad campaign featuring a puppet with his likeness. Say what you will, but he's far more likeable as Evil Kobe, Basketball's Crown Prince of Darkness.

Now just think, Lebron, that could be you! The Mad King, the Evil Emperor, the Black Death whatever the hell you want to call your new heel persona. You're already maligned beyond imagination and you didn't even (allegedly) rape anyone! All you did was team up with your pals to win a championship or two (and break a city's heart in the process, but whatever...that's collateral damage.)

So now, while they are toasting your defeat and dancing on your proverbial grave, this is when you make like a true supervillain and retreat to your secret lair to develop a doomsday weapon with which to terrorize them all. Let Evil Kobe be your guide; you've got the haters, you've got the puppet, now go get the ring.

She Can Get It: Anna Prior of Metronomy

2011-06-08T09:33:00.001-04:00

She bangs the drums.

Metronomy's latest album, The English Riviera, is one of the few things keeping me from going off the deep end now that I've returned from Stockholm.

Anyhow, their new drummer, Anna Prior, can totally get it (hence the post's title.) I'm reading that she used to play drums for Lightspeed Champion. I'm kinda glad I didn't know that bit until just now, otherwise I would've had to pretend that I gave a shit about Lightspeed Champion.

I Am A Fugitive From An Ontario Family Court

2011-06-07T09:20:00.002-04:00

Half a million dollars is no laughing matter.

What was Leon's maxim in The Professional? "No women. No Kids."

Dave Foley (of Kids In The Hall and Newsradio fame) must not have seen that movie...and now he's fucked.

I Don't Know How Much More Of This I Can Take

2011-06-06T19:29:00.001-04:00

Sveriges Nationaldag, bitches.

Getting re-adjusted to life after Stockholm is going to be harder than I thought. I'm not totally certain, but I think I may have tried to kill myself this weekend. Obviously, I was unsuccessful, but then drinking oneself to death is probably not the most effective method of committing suicide. It is, however, the best way to end up with a hangover that will have you praying for death. And that, my friends, is how I spent my last day before going back to the office; trembling, sweating, reeking of booze and wondering if I'd walked out on my tab (yes), who threw up in my bathroom sink (me), and how I even got home (uncertain.)

I think The Captain said it best when he sent me a text that read simply, "I am slowly dying in America."

Let's Get Out Of This Country, MMXI

2011-06-03T13:04:00.002-04:00

This pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

Best Week Ever?

2011-05-03T16:10:00.001-04:00

Another year hotter.

Osama bin Laden is dead, but Christina Hendricks is very much alive.

Praise be to God, or whoever you like.

Let the celebratory gunfire begin.

You Have No Excuse Not To Cop This Either

2011-04-12T18:56:00.002-04:00

The Weeknd - House of Balloons

For my birthday this year, Piff Tannen gave me a great little mix CD that included "Wicked Games" by The Weeknd. Seriously, between this and Frank Ocean you've got your swagged-out neo R&B soundtrack for the summer. Best of all? The download is motherfucking free. Click on the link below the album image above and don't say that I never gave you anything.

I'm Not Unique, I'm Just A Sad Bastard.

2011-04-10T20:28:00.004-04:00

I am not going to apologize for not blogging for a while. Life has grabbed me by the gonads over the past year, so blogging has been the least of my concerns. Since I gave up the drink and the drugs, I have used women to as a band-aid for broken hearts and broken dreams. While it does lead to a great deal of short term satisfaction, days later I feel the same and have additional wreckage.

The past couple of weeks has lead to some mild "emo-ness" and I am realizing more and more that I really do belong to this club. Saturday was my youngest daughters birthday. While they were painting pottery I asked my mom and sister to watch the kiddos while I went to check out Rolexes (one day I will have one) at the local jewelry store. Walked in the door and out pops a tall blond with large mammary glands and those tight, stretchy black pants chicks wear these days. What color eyes did she have? No idea. Were the chesticals nice? check. The best thing about those black pants, when a chick bends over the pretty much become transparent. Did I order a necklace, you bet.

While at church this morning, a very pretty young thing sat in front of me. She must have just come from the gym or a run, she was wearing those spandex running outfits that runners tend to wear. Our church is fairly casual, so this is not out of the ordinary. Do I remember the sermon? Not really. Do I know what style of panties she was wearing? Absolutely. Were my kids sitting next to me while my mind ran amok? Affirmative.

More than ever, I know I belong to this fine establishment.

A Love Like That Won't Last

2011-04-05T21:15:00.001-04:00

Something told me it was over...

Somewhere along the way, I read or heard someone remark, "time conspires to take away everything that we hold dear in this life." It really struck a chord with me and, ever since that day, has been at the foundation of my belief that all good things must end. Call me cynical, but year after year that belief has been proven right. Time and time again, the good things in this life have gone the way of the buffalo.

My Nan, my dog, my car's transmission, my hair; all gone.

So now, dear friends, now time has set its sights on my longest running relationship. That is to say, my relationship with porn. After 15 plus years and hundreds of gigabytes, I've found over the last few weeks that porn just isn't doing it for me anymore.

Now I've been hurt before, guys, but this is just devastating. I mean, I honestly thought we - porn and I - would go the distance. Normally, I'd be quick to lay the blame on anyone (and everyone) except myself, but not this time. No, I figure, it's got to be me. If I had to guess, I'd say that it's probably depression or something. Whatever it is, I'm going to fix it. If I have to get help, then I'm going to get help.

Why? Because I'm committed to making this work. Besides, what else have I got?

Requiem for a Sweet Sixteen

2011-03-26T13:15:00.002-04:00

The University of Richmond's NCAA tournament run was brought to an abrupt halt last night by a semi-pro team from Lawrence, Kansas. There's no shame in losing to number one seeded team, especially when you're number twelve (and the lowest seed left in the tournament, by the way), so the Spiders can return to the West End with their heads held high, comforted by the fact that they gave it their best...and that their crosstown rivals, Virginia Commonwealth University likely have the same fate in store for them when they face the Jayhawks tomorrow.

Of course, should eleven seed VCU pull off yet another upset, you may want to run, not walk, to put some money down on their next game. Because that will prove that they are either 1) a team of destiny or 2) making deals with Satan.

I Ain't Dead Yet, M-F-ers.

2011-03-07T01:17:00.002-05:00

Salutations, fellow Bastards.

So I haven't been around in awhile. Depending on who you ask, I've either vanished, been lost at sea, been in the wind, or just been a bad friend. The truth of the matter is two-fold. For one, I've spent quite a bit of time in the last couple of months getting my arse kicked and my will broken on a work gig in Memphis, TN. 14 hour days in a windowless conference room? Check. Doing days worth of work over again 2-3 times? Check. Being told of travel plans/weekend work mere hours in advance? Check. Constantly eating crap delivery food in the office for lunch and dinner? Check. 40 hour weekends (on Super Bowl weekend, no less)? Check. Welcome to the suck. I suppose I shouldn't shed too many tears when the paycheck comes (having letters after your name does have its benefits), but if i didn't have any bitching to do, I probably wouldn't be a member of this esteemed organization. This is all by way of helping to explain my recent prolonged absence, both in person (at least for the DC massive) and in text form.

The second reason is one with which I've struggled a bit more: I'm actually pretty damn happy at the moment. It turns out that my years of tortured Sad Bastard-ity and attempted swoopage have been waylaid by a very long friendship that has taken a rather unexpected but fortuitous turn. I'm not here to blow sunshine up the collective ass of the organization, but man it feels pretty good.

Now, I don't want anyone to get it twisted, I'm still one miserable son-of-a-bitch, and I will resolve to make a greater contribution to the brotherhood in the future. I may soon be going the way of the Bastard that facilitated my becoming The Legacy, but as the title of this post implies, I'm not done being miserable yet. I may have further thoughts on this in the coming weeks, but for now....

Misery Loves Company,
SBMF

This Is Not Enough

2011-02-27T09:50:00.001-05:00

Against my better judgment, I went to a burlesque show the other night. I think I made it about a quarter of the way through the performance before I decided that I'd rather watch "The Last Dragon" downstairs at the bar. Either I make too much money (I don't) or I'm finally learning that there are some things that just aren't worth my time even if I did pay an admission fee.

You guys know I'm a staunch supporter of the skin trade (in its various forms), however, I just can't get into burlesque. I mean, consider your options here in the DC area; one could go to actual full nude gentlemen's clubs (some of which do not charge a cover) or, if you're uninclined to cross the Rubicon, there's always Crystal City Restaurant. It's not full nude but there's no cover, the food is surprisingly good, and there are a couple of dancers that are certified pole technicians. This was not the case at the burlesque performance. I'm sure one could make the argument that burlesque is art or some such bullshit. Whatever, I can see art for free at the Smithsonian. Shit, and even then I'd get to see full on nudity.

I can't crack on burlesque too hard though; SBAP and I caught the Suicide Girls' burlesque shows what seems like a thousand years ago. It was a lively time to say the least. However, that was a long time ago and now that I'm closer to death, I'm not so easily satisfied. If burlesque is your thing or you really want to check it out, then good for you. As for me and my house, to quote Jackie Chain, "this is not enough."

You Have No Excuse Not To Cop This

2011-02-21T19:42:00.002-05:00

Frank Ocean - Nostalgia, Ultra

Gold Guns Girls

2011-02-16T19:53:00.008-05:00

Two out of three ain't bad.

So, anyone down for a roadtrip to see Nikki Benz?

Apropos de gentlemen's clubs and such, SBCP hipped me to this most excellent piece of music.

Everyone I Know Is Falling Apart

2011-02-09T22:40:00.003-05:00

So I haven't had a drink in over a month. I'd say that I miss it, but I honestly don't. I've lost a little weight, but I'm still fat. So that's not a big deal. I could say I miss the camaraderie, but the truth is that I haven't seen most of the crew in weeks, perhaps months. Bastards could be lost at sea for all I know.

Actually, I think I've started that rumor about The Legacy. Hahahaha, good times.

Clearly, none of us have been blogging. I guess we're too busy or, as is the case with me, just too boring. Seriously, I've got nothing worth sharing since I got clean. It's just like rock n' roll, man; bands suck when they sober up.

For a hot second, I considered doing online dating as a means of giving myself something to write about. Then I thought better of the idea and remembered that I'm really fucking lazy. Given my aversion to putting forth effort, I'm better off just hollering at random intervals, "Hi there, what's your name? Nice. So, when are you gonna let me take you out? Never? Cool. Das vidanya, lesbianka." If I'm gonna bother to spend time on the internets sorting through women who won't go out with me, they should at the very least be naked.

Go Tell It On The Mountain

2011-01-19T22:32:00.002-05:00

This author gets it. Share with your lady friends, fellas.

Cruel Britannia

2011-01-18T19:06:00.007-05:00

Ricky Gervais murdered it at the Golden Globes last night.

Everyone's Been Wondering Where You've Been

2011-01-17T22:24:00.007-05:00

Welcome to 2011!

I can't say that much has gone down since I last posted here, save for the fact that I've stopped drinking for the foreseeable future. Of course, that shouldn't have any noticeable effect on the organization. Shit, as it is we almost never post and, to be honest, I couldn't tell you the last time I saw most of the gang in person.

Just the same old SBSC, right?

On a positive note, sobriety may find me posting more since I'm really bored and anxious all the time now. I suppose that's a good thing. Like losing weight and saving money (okay, more so the latter than the former; I'm still weighing in at over 240lbs.) As I told a friend today, I should use this time and clarity to come up with something, to do, something that will get me paid. Of course, I haven't quite figured out what that something is yet.

In the meantime, I'll have to settle for downloading the complete works of Nikki Benz.

Living Well is the Best Revenge.

2010-12-20T17:30:00.003-05:00

There are some sorry people out there and I have probably dated a few of the prime cases. The Wu Tang concert I attended (thanks to Mr. David Barker for the tickets) did not reaffirm my faith in humanity. America really needs to purchase a deserted island to ship all the trash out to.

Maybe I am a dreamer, but I am holding on to faith that there are decent people out there. You may (probably not) have asked where I have been and why I haven't blogged in a while. The fact is I am trying to not be completely negative about life. Maybe I will be stripped of my position in the Sad Bastards, but it's a chance I am willing to take. It's all about self preservation folks, if everyone is this rotten there just aint much reason to keep on pushing. Merry christmas all of you Sad Bastards.

Yours truely,

SBKW

Behaviors of the Weak

2010-11-30T15:14:00.006-05:00

Being a woman, I don’t like to hate other women.. But it’s those women who constantly need attention that make me want to punch them in the face. These women caused this nice, Midwestern girl to get angry.

While at a children’s birthday party I can attest that a grown 20 or 30-something woman can be related to a bratty seven-year-old that was never taught manners. The seven-year-old continuously grabbed at a younger child, insisting that she could pick her up. She jumped up and down on furniture, running and screaming throughout the house, taking toys from younger kids.

How do they relate, you ask? Just go to a bar and notice the behaviors: screaming for shots, screaming excitedly at each other to get attention, conning men into buying them drinks, and just in general trying the “childish cute act”. One time at brunch, I saw a woman “shimmy” her shoulders at a bartender repeatedly to get attention and free drinks. The bartender was semi-drunk and semi-turned on so he obliged. Did they close the deal? Nope.

This can also be seen in the daytime. At work I have a 20-something that skips through the hallway singing “I love my life!” or “Shoot me in the fucking face!” or “FML!”. She’ll yell across the office for a coworker to help her out. She’ll also stomp or drag her feet. She’ll look a person up and down and comment on the outfit or choice of color coordination. Sometimes nice, mostly derogatory.

The worst part is that these women get what they want. I tried to follow suit and do the same, it not only felt awkward but it also didn’t work. All I got in return were dirty looks and a large bar tab. I could have been doing it wrong, but I don’t think I would have wanted to do it right.

I don’t have an answer to them, or a solution. I try to coexist amongst them, but it makes my blood pressure go up. I am going to try something new that I’ve never tried before: be mean. Could it work? Tell them to “shut up” when they scream in my ear while leaning over the bar? Rolling my eyes at them as they try to have an intelligent conversation? Always coming up with a counter-argument for everything they talk about?

I know in the end all men want the same thing: spread. Just don’t spend too much money or time. Both are costly and both can be saved. May the picture included be used as a warning.

Everything That Dies Someday Comes Back

2010-11-17T09:13:00.005-05:00

I'll let you in on a secret; this is a pretty good week to ask me for a favor. I'm still low on funds. My hair is is still falling out. My job is still lame. I still wake up hurting. I'm still bitter about any number of letdowns, disappointments, and perceived slights.

Not a damn thing has changed, my fellow sad bastards, except for one thing; CANYON is coming back. That, my friends, is what has me in a good enough mood to grant favors.

Now, it might be a long-term thing or maybe just for one night. Honestly, I don't know what the deal is with them getting back together.

Either way, I'm going to be front and center at the Black Cat on Friday night...I hope that some of you will be too.

Wretched Are The Matchmakers

2010-11-14T16:28:00.004-05:00

I've noticed that if you're single long enough people start getting the idea to set you up with someone else that they know. Usually a friend, co-worker, acquaintance, etc. In my experience, the worst offenders are women, usually in a fairly solid relationship and mildly-to-moderately drunk when the idea occurs to them or, at least, when they decide to share it with you.

It goes without saying, at least to other sad bastards, that I am fundamentally opposed to this sort of thing. Why? First and foremost, and I tell people this straight up; I don't trust anyone to get it right. Not my parents, not my siblings, not my friends, and not my co-workers. Now, I might trust one or two of you bastards, because I know that you know and understand the evil that lurks in the hearts of all men. Namely, that hot and easy are the only two qualities you need concern yourself with when searching for my "match."

"Oh, but she's funny!" Who cares? I've got Chappelle Show DVD's if I want to laugh.

"Oh, but she's so smart!" Yay! Now I can feel stupid while I try to get this broad to spread for me.

That's it. I don't give a shit about anything else. Are those other things nice? Sure, but the way I see it, if you're selling cars, you'd better make sure the car has an outstanding engine, wheels, and a frame before you start trying to tell me about how great the stereo and navigation systems are.

Now, I know that I don't have to worry about you guys sending anyone my way because, typically, men can't be bothered with such matters. It's just understood that a man goes out and gets what he needs, what he wants. Also, and you may have noticed this as well, no one is going to give you something better than what they've already got. In fact, the only time that a guy has sent a quality bird my way was when he couldn't get her for himself. It's true, guys, it's all true. For every truly altruistic, humanitarian saint on earth, there's a thousand selfish, self-interested motherfuckers like me walking around.

That said, my selfishness is so pervasive, so deeply-rooted, that genuine matchmaking is itself a near impossibility. That is to say, I require one hundred percent focus on my side of the equation, to what I want to get out of the endeavor. Yes, go out and find everything that I desire in a female but she will have to settle for the nothing that I bring to the table. Now, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm pretty sure that's not how this thing is supposed to work.

So if you see me alone and start thinking that you want to "help" me, to do something nice for me, just buy me a drink or, if you've got the cash to burn, a high-priced hooker.

Is This The Way They Say The Future's Meant To Feel?

2010-11-09T21:17:00.003-05:00

I can't believe this is actually happening; Pulp are reuniting. Now, if only the Stone Roses and the Smiths would just follow suit...

Being Me Is Killing Me

2010-11-07T14:43:00.004-05:00

I've always had a problem with the folks who say, "oh, just be yourself!" Mostly because I always had a sneaking suspicion that being myself, whoever I was, just wasn't ever going to be good enough. At least, not for whatever it was that I was after. But recently, I've come to the realisation that there's another reason I can't get behind the "be yourself" line of thinking; because being me is killing me.

I haven't had a good night's sleep in almost six weeks and I wake up in pain just about every morning. Why? Well, because "being me" means that I will come up with ridiculous challenges for myself instead of figuring out the intricacies of day-to-day living and basic human interaction. That's right, so instead of making friends or taking some practice runs at the random tail that populates my fair city, I decide to task myself with mastering some ridiculously difficult variant of pull-ups. How does that work for me, you ask? To put it in Layman's terms, "I'm all fucked up." I cannot tell you for certain because another part of "being me" is never going to see a doctor.

I eat the same things over and over again, not because I like them but because "being me" means that I can't be bothered to cook or put any discernible amount of effort into feeding myself. If I don't get something from a restaurant, bar, or fast food joint, my meals consist of the following: instant oatmeal with craisins, hardboiled egg whites, bacon (always microwaved), instant grits, store bought salad kits, cans of tuna fish, string cheese, deli sliced turkey meat, and frozen pizza. It's not the worst diet ever, but I don't see myself lasting into my seventies like this.

Actually, I don't see myself lasting into my seventies. Period.

I should probably finish this post but, as of late, "being me" means leaving (sometimes vanishing) abruptly and with little regard for the feelings of others. I can't help it; it's what I do.

At least now you can't say that I never told you.

This Place Is A Prison

2010-08-27T13:28:00.006-04:00

I often compare being at work to being incarcerated; I've got a small cell (my cubicle) in which I have spent an inordinate amount of time, I get an hour in "The Yard" each day (lunch), and I'm basically here because of poor choices that I made along the way (oh, where to begin!) On the plus side, there's no rape (unless you count what the government does to my paycheck every two weeks.)

Anyhow, I recently came to the conclusion that if I am going to be in lockdown for eight to ten hours a day, then I should, like prisoners, use the time to better myself. Specifically, I've recently taken to doing prison cell exercises in my cubicle or file room.

The way I see things, it's bad enough that I am perched here all day long, watching my life depreciate. I'll be damned if I'm going to let this place turn me into a pathetic, cubicle-dwelling fat ass. In the immortal words of Hall & Oates, "I can't go for that." So, with that in mind, I'm doing push-ups every hour. I started out at ten and now I'm at fifteen. I plan to move up in 5 push-up increments as the weeks go on. It would be sweet if I could bang out 50 every hour. Depending on how my knees feel, I throw in a some 1-minute wall sits as well. I'm also thinking of getting one of those Iron Gym gizmos to stash under my desk, so I can throw some pull-ups into the mix as well.

The irony of it all is that there's a fully-equipped gym fifty yards from where I sit. But since it's almost all dudes that use it, you can count me out; I might as well be in prison for real.

How Long Has It Been Again?

2010-08-26T20:56:00.005-04:00

"...technical difficulties is through."

I think we've must've hit some kinda personal record here at SBSC for consecutive weeks without a posting. Christ on a crutch, I wish I could tell you that I've been productive for these last few months, but that would only be a lie. Truth of the matter is that I've got precious little to show for the weeks and months that have elapsed. Spending money and time on booze and women, faring only marginally better than when last we spoke. Ain't that some shit? Of course, that's not to say that we all have been slacking. Au contraire, my sad bastards, I believe SBMF and SBKW have been out hustling and grinding.

Doing the damn thing. You know? Hell, I think SBMF got his CPA medallion a couple of weeks ago. I heard it's blinged out and has his face on it. No bullshit.

Anyhow, there were two instances in the last couple of weeks where I knew I needed to get back to the SBSC. Back to what I know best. The first was when I found myself standing outside of a 7-11 at some ungodly hour, drunk, eating a chili dog, and trying (unsuccessfully) to rent a DVD from the Red Box. The second instance also found me intoxicated and alone at an ungodly hour. Only this time I was walking the streets looking for my car after taking a taxi cab back from the city. I trudged down the abandoned streets of clarendon, fingers wrapped around a set of brass knuckles, trying to piece together what had lead me to embark upon this wildly unspectacular and mildly disappointing night out.

What, you may ask, is the lesson that I took from those experiences? That I can wind up drunk and alone at the end of any given night for far less money and without having to expend too much energy being "social."

What? You thought there was some deeper meaning? Some great epiphany? Shit, you must've forgotten where you are right now.

In any case, it's good to be back and you can expect more posts (from me, at least) over the next couple of weeks.

Let's Go Viral!

2010-05-26T20:36:00.003-04:00

My fellow Sad Bastards, I apologize for neglecting my blogging responsibilities. Self-centeredness and being brain dead have occupied a great amount of time over the past few months. Enough with the apologies, I doubt John Wayne ever did that shit.

The past 20 years of my life has been an exercise in making bad decisions, one of the few things I have been successful in. While sitting in my cube and texting my babies momma the other day, a moment of clarity came upon me. With all of these mistakes I have made in said time, I have a lot to give back to the young folks.

My first idea was going on tour as a circuit speaker in high schools and colleges throughout this great country of ours and imparting some wisdom upon the future leaders. Here are few of the topics/subjects that have come to mind:

1. Just because she says she is on birth control does not mean she is taking it as prescribed.

2. College should not be used as a 4 year deferment from the working world, study something that will allow you to make some bucks in the least painful way.

3. Do not get seriously involved prior to the age of 27, there too many good looking birds out there to waste years on one.

4. Delete the Nickelback MP3's and get some John Bustine.

5. Why not to use someone else's computer to browse free porn online.

The overhead involved in travelling would not make this the most lucrative venture. With the power of the world wide web I could make these "truth lectures" into a success. Just think about it: webinars, eNewsletters, videos, blogs, etc. The sky is the limit. Keep on the look out for www.unclekennyspeaks.us.

What You Need To Do Is Learn The Tricks Of The Trade

2010-05-06T14:18:00.006-04:00

Game: It's Not Magic

If you don't read any other blogs for the rest of this month, make sure that you read Ricky Raw's, "31 Days of Game" series over at The Rawness

I'm as serious as a heart attack.

Whether you've already got tight game or you're just a walking corpse, shell of man, there is no excuse for not following this series. The posts are powerful, yet brief and easy-to-digest. If you find yourself hungry for more, just dig around in the archives.

Now go...you can thank me later for pointing you in the right direction.

This House Is Not A Home

2010-05-04T18:25:00.002-04:00

So, I bought my place a couple of months ago and I'm finding that I'm not much for interior decor. Plain white walls, floors and such that need to be re-done, and a maddening amount of random clutter is my home in a nutshell. In fact, I've more or less decided to just turn the main room into a workout space/breakdance studio. I'm supposed to be cleaning right now (it looks like a fucking hurricane tore through this room) but it's a daunting task. Besides, I'm trying to make good on my new effort keep the blog current. Anyhow, I think I'll skip Crate & Barrel, and Pottery Barn and just head straight to the Container Store. All I do here is eat, sleep, and handle my business, so who cares if it's spartan? All I require is organization.

Apropos de nothing at all, as a "thank you" for stopping by today, here are some swell links to check out:

Scenic Mountain Views!

Breathtaking Valleys!

An Excuse for All Seasons

2010-05-03T18:26:00.005-04:00

Your place is wreck. Your dog needs a bath. You forgot to mail your state taxes. You lost that insurance check. You never called her back.

We were too busy getting fucked up.

Your car failed inspection. You still haven't applied for that job. Your new band never took off. You're all out of clean underwear.

We were too busy getting fucked up.

You forgot her birthday. You missed your dentist appointment. You need a haircut. You need to shave. You haven't read that book that could change your life.

We were too busy getting fucked up.

You haven't written a blog entry in months. You aren't aware of the latest news. You haven't checked your mail in weeks. You forgot to pay the cable bill. You never came through on your promises.

We were too busy getting fucked up.

You're hoping things will be different now.

Service Industry Girls Rule My World

2010-05-01T10:50:00.003-04:00

sometimes art imitates life a little too well

I'm planning my return to Montreal sometime this summer. If you've heard about my last trip, then you know very well what's likely to go down whilst I am in la belle ville. I think that by now most of you know about my predilection for Gentlemen's Clubs; I make no secret of it. However, that kind of fixation doesn't just develop overnight. Not by any means. In fact, I like to think that it started, simply enough, with waitresses.

In the leanest and loneliest years of my life, it was waitresses (and eventually bartenders) that kept me connected to the world outside my front door. At that time, the human interaction and socialization that marks the symbiotic client-provider relationship, was just enough to keep me from disappearing down the rabbit hole of the recluse, from drawing the curtains and becoming a World of Warcraft-playing shut-in. Of course, even after I returned to some level of "normalcy" I found that I still felt a strong attraction to service industry girls. I mean, it makes sense; after an extended period of living by the "don't be a dick, pay your tab, leave a decent tip and they will like you (or at least pretend to like you)" guidelines, how could it not? That system was simply too easy, too straight-forward, to be improved upon.

Even if it's nothing but capitalism at its best, why would a simpleton such as myself want to jump back into the real world, where I would have to use all sorts of charm, sleight of hand, and smoke and mirrors to elicit a positive response from a woman that I was interested in? God, what a headache...and with no guarantee of success! Better, in my opinion, to just spend the money outright.

A cold and clinical approach to human interaction and male-female relationships? Probably. Logical means to an end? Definitely. So there you have it; the basic road map for one sad bastard's journey from polite smiles and chit chat to lap dances and all that.

That said, now I'm thinking that it's not the women that I'm in love with, but rather the system that makes everything possible.

Go figure.

I Did Some Things But That's The Old Me

2010-04-14T22:51:00.002-04:00

We've been wild lazy, but I promise we're coming back. In the meantime, enjoy this SBSC-approved cover of Kanye West's "Heartless."

For What Is A Man, What Has He Got...

2010-02-06T14:59:00.003-05:00

Sorry being MIA for so long, my fellow Sad Bastards. 2010 has started off as year of ending all of the bullshit in my life and standing up for myself. Being a MAN in every sense of the word. No more being sensitive and walking on eggshells for anyone or anything. You don't like me, go away. This goes for women, employers, friends, neighbors, etc...

I just don't care anymore if people like me. Going through the ringer of bullshit in my first 31 years of existence has made me do a lot of thinking about who I am and what I stand for. Pretty sure at this juncture of my life that I will not be changing too much. So if you don't like me or you want me to change, tough fucking shit. No more holding my tongue and dancing around uncomfortable shit, I am going head on. I leave you with a man who put up with minimal bullshit and lived the dream:

My Body Is A Cage

2010-01-13T20:51:00.005-05:00

There was an hour last week - a golden hour - where everything was going my way. I shit you not! I'd come into some money, I'd convinced this girl that I dig to pay me a visit at the lair, and work was shockingly less retarded than normal. Of course, true to form, things fell apart just as quickly as they'd come together. Yep, whilst preparing for my visitor I ended up getting paint on my favourite wool coat. So there went the little bit of cash that I'd lucked into; straight to the dry cleaning bill. The visit itself was mired in awkwardness from the onset. So much so, in fact, that I'm pretty sure I can't ever call her again. Well, I could call her...if I wanted to get labeled as a creep or stalker. And work, not to be outdone, ratcheted up the level of retardation to a point that, prior to this week, was (almost) completely unheard of.

But you know what? Being a sad bastard, I could handle all of that. Hell, by now I'm more than used to losing money and women. And work? Sheeeit, by its very definition work is supposed to suck. No, the real kick in the balls came when I was lifting weights this past weekend, trying to forget about the shit show from the days before, when some way, somehow, I managed to wrench my back. So now, not only am I unable to retreat into exercise as a means of escaping my failures and foibles, but I can't sleep, walk, drive, wank, or even breathe, without being in discomfort. Best of all, this thing seems to be taking its sweet time to heal. I know that in my younger days I would have bounced back like it was nothing. But not now. Oh no, my body is giving up the ghost all over the place. I can't eat or drink like I used to (well, I could...if I wanted to become morbidly obese and die shortly thereafter) and now I, apparently, can't exercise like I used to in the past either. How fucking sad is that? I've said it before and I'll say it again; getting old is a drag.

So, if you bastards don't see me for a couple of weeks, it's because I'm sprawled out on the floor of my place with a heat pad on my back, popping oxycodone tablets and crying.

This Heartbreak Shall...Not Endure?

2010-01-07T20:55:00.000-05:00

I've learned over the years (granted, for me those years have been relatively limited) that when one holds onto a certain feeling, a certain animosity, a certain misery, one can't help but identify with that feeling, eventually one even comes to identify one's self in/as that feeling, that animosity, that misery. It almost becomes a comfort, a place you can always crawl into because it's always there for you. After all, isn't that what we're all about?

But what if one day, with little or no warning, that place that you run to, that feeling in which you normally find solace, that animosity, no longer seems appropriate? What if you're left exposed to that piece of information or that grapevine whisper you've always dreaded, ready to steel yourself against it with that trusted and familiar barricade, only to find that that feeling, that animosity, that misery has absconded in the night? It no longer holds true. It no longer sends you into the tailspin that you always prepared yourself for? Suddenly that dreaded moment, once realized, no longer fills you with the need to crawl into the depths of sadness that we all, at least at times, inhabit? That cold wall against which we normally rail in a withering fury has been taken down, brick by brick.

Oh sweet relief?

One would think so. But for some reason I'm feeling like it's kinda weak-sauce. Almost as if to say, "Well, now what?"

For What It's Worth

2009-12-31T14:14:00.002-05:00

Have a Happy New Year and don't get too fucked up tonight, sad bastards.

I've Changed My Role To Villain

2009-12-30T10:59:00.014-05:00

"Sweeping legs is our business...and business is good."

So, after an impossibly long stint as a Nice Guy, I've finally decided to call it quits. In hindsight, the move from Protagonist to Antagonist has been a long time coming. Truth be told, I was a pretty shitty Nice Guy; honesty, generosity, selflessness, were never my strong suits. Deceit, guile, avarice, spitefulness, and selfishness, on the other hand, have always been brewing just below the surface. That said, it should come as no surprise that I've now set my sights on villainy.

I think I've got a lot of natural potential as a villain, but I'm still going to need to study and train in order to get up to snuff. Cos there's really no such thing as an overnight success, right?

Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Month To Stop Banging Prostitutes

2009-12-17T20:25:00.007-05:00

"so thirsty...so very thirsty."
Talk about dry spells, it's like Death Valley here at SBSC HQ as of late. What's more, every time the skies look as if they might bring forth rain, the clouds suddenly dissipate and the sun seems to burn twice as hot as before. No bullshit. I am dying out here. Of course, if there are any lessons to be learned from all of this, it's that tough times are no excuse for weak game. You gotta figure that if you can keep your wits about you when the world is coming down around your ears, then things should be a cakewalk when everything comes back online.

That said, take some time to familiarize yourself with the D.E.N.N.I.S. System; you'll be glad that you did.

An Unforgivable Sin

2009-12-07T14:58:00.004-05:00

We may be sad, my fellow bastards, but may we never be so sad that we stoop to the level of those wretched men who practice the most vile and petty of evils; cockblockery.

Together Alone

2009-12-01T16:13:00.006-05:00

Researchers say that loneliness spreads like a virus.

If It Wasn't For Bad Luck...

2009-11-29T19:59:00.005-05:00

Keep it sad my fellow bastards.

Things That I Like: #131 The Monday Morning Podcast

2009-11-28T18:00:00.002-05:00

Bill Burr is the man.

I've Got a Lot To Be Thankful For

2009-11-26T12:37:00.002-05:00

First and foremost? Not getting pulled over last night.

The Air Up There

2009-11-25T13:11:00.002-05:00

Congratulations! Women's basketball is still boring!

Things That I Like: #127 Chicks With Glasses

2009-10-27T19:12:00.005-04:00

the better to see you with, my dear.

It Hasn't Happened Yet

2009-10-24T18:44:00.005-04:00

My successes are few and far between these days, but I think my ability to piss away my saturdays by sleeping off friday night's excesses has to count for something. There are those times, once the bars have closed, when I wander into the 7-11 on my way home and grab something certifiably terrible to eat before collapsing into unconsciousness where I wonder when I'm going to get tired of all of "this." Invariably, I tell myself that I will make changes, that there will be something in my refrigerator besides leftover pizza, breakfast cereals, and vodka, that I'll develop relationships - genuine relationships - that aren't of the "client and provider" nature, that my apartment will be more than a flophouse crammed with comics, pornography, and random, useless items, that I'm going to make a change, that I'm going to be the man I was meant to be, that I will finally achieve something.

I swear to myself that all of this will come to pass.

It hasn't happened yet.

Represent: Cheyenne, WY

2009-10-06T01:05:00.003-04:00

Despite a near-miss opportunity for a Western States Summit, the SBSC continues to press into new territories. I hope my untimely departure will not detract from general debauchery and/or misery. My brothers, I remain in spirit!

Titty Bar Tricks.

2009-09-12T21:10:00.003-04:00

It's been a while, I just have not found my muse for a while. During a recent Sad Bastards gathering at Camelot it came to me. Over the past couple of years I have been refining my approach, get the most bang for the buck. Here are a few of my personal rules of engagement.

1.) If the dancer is up on stage, I will not make my approach until she is completely naked. I have seen many a man, make the premature move. If I am going to give the bird and extra buck or two, I will have bare breast, ass and snatch in my face.

2.) When the dancer is done and comes to the table, I have devised a move that guarantees contact 99% of the time. I fold the dollar, no more than a dollar, long wise. When she pulls her garter belt open I make an backhanded approach from below. I also stutter with the money, to give me dirty contact with her upper thigh. The only way they can avoid this is to have their money evenly distributed all the way around. Most of those broads are either too stupid or too big of sluts to bother with this.

3.) If the dancer is to earn more than one dollar per dance, she better work for it. Don't go up and start nodding off and doing the heroin stare. Woman, you better work that pole and do some gymastics type shit. Also, when you come to my table, rub my back.

4.) If I see some 40 year broad who should of hung up the g-string 10 years ago, wait until she is about half way through her dance and go to the resteroom. Save your money for those who deserve it. As a consumer that is the only way for my voice to be heard.

So in summary, I am a sad man. So fucking what. I have my own kids to support, those broads can find another man to support their own. I need to make my $25 go a long way (I also just milk the same drink the whole night, fuck paying $8 for a Diet Coke). I assume that most of those reading this post already adhere to at least a couple of my rules and I hope that a few others can be of use in the future.

We Still Got Shirts

2009-08-30T12:27:00.003-04:00

For the bargain price of fifteen US dollars. Give me a shout if you're trying to cop.

They Don't Blog No More

2009-08-22T20:23:00.004-04:00

I realise the posts here have been lacking as of late. Shit, seems we all took the summer off.

I don't even know.

A lot has happened over the last couple of weeks, months, etc. SBMF has embarked upon a personal journey of re-invention, self-improvement, and so forth, I got a dog, and word around town is that SBKW joined the foreign legion or some such outfit.

In any case, I've just renewed the domain name registration for another two years so no matter how rarely we post, you all can sleep soundly knowing we're still out there somewhere. That said, I fully intend to resume posting here. Shit, the money's been spent so why not?

I'll end on that bit of good news and this clip of DC's premier sad sack songwriter and SBSC favourite, John Bustine.

The City of Lost Porn

2009-07-19T19:53:00.005-04:00

It's like jerking off in a time machine.

You can thank SBMM for this miraculous find.

Where We're Going We Don't Need Roads

2009-07-06T07:22:00.003-04:00

I. Must. Have. This.

A Lesson In Human Relations

2009-06-20T02:08:00.004-04:00

An interesting conundrum, posed this evening by a good friend, after a night on the town:

Say you're enjoying a few beverages at your local watering hole, and they've begun to make their way through your system. You make your way to the gentleman's lavatory to evacuate the rented suds, and you find yourself posted up next to a fellow drinker. Let's say this establishment has decided in it's wisdom as a purveyor of sorrow-drowning (and decidedly not funtional interior design) to install the type of urinal that terminates at the floor. Now, while the urinals are themselves self-contained, the extended travel from slightly-below-belt-level to floor exacerbates the existing issue of splatter. Let's also say that there's no courtesy barrier between said evacuation stations.

Now, the gentleman next to you commences his relief, and as you do the same, you suddenly feel a dappling of liquid on your bare lower leg (it's June, the friend in question was wearing short-pants.) How do you react to such a situation? I see three distinct scenarios:

1. You go with what I would imagine would be most people's first instinct, and confront the guy: "Hey arsehole, quit pissing on my leg!" This could of course lead to an ugly interaction, possibly even fisticuffs, depending on the relative levels of inebriation, the tempraments of the involved parites, etc. Generally, bad news bears.

2. You ask the gentleman to kindly redirect his business to the other side of the conference room. This could lead to either a sincere apology and repositioning, a sarcastic "Excuse me" and general awkwardness, or an threats of an unmitigated biological assault upon the speaker's current position.

3. You take the "shock and awe" approach, and respond in kind. You're not exactly winning hearts and minds, but with some luck, "Mission Accomplished." Of course, now you're likely mired in a protracted pissing contest (literally, in this case.) You spend an inordinate amount of time attempting to extract yourself, and no one ends up winning.

4. You say/do nothing. You head back to the bar with pee on your leg.

What say you, sad bastards?

Sad Bastards Concert Series: Sunset Rubdown

2009-06-15T22:47:00.004-04:00

my girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the tiiiiiiiiime...

Didn't get to see the Lakers win the NBA finals last night because I was at the Black Cat watching Sunset Rubdown.

It was all good though; I enjoyed the music and their keyboardist could catch it like Carlton Fisk. Seriously, she's like a younger, hotter version of Melissa Auf der Maur.

Anyhow, besides the keyboardist, the best part of the show were these hecklers standing near me. At one point they asked Spencer to play "Party All The Time" by Eddie Murphy. I don't think he saw the humour in it. I think that he should probably talk to Brandon Butler about how to deal with hecklers with style. Now that guy has serious stage banter skills.

Sad Bastards Concert Series: TV On The Radio

2009-06-15T22:34:00.003-04:00

Wolf Like Me

Drove down south last week to see TV On The Radio at the National. Good show and a nice venue; I couldn't believe I was in downtown Richmond. Well, I could after the show when I was driving down Broad Street and wondering if a part of my car might actually break off due to the preponderance of potholes and generally shitty paving.

Afterwards, I crashed on SBDN's couch for two hours before driving back north to DC and going to work.

Allow Myself To Introduce...Myself

2009-06-01T21:45:00.004-04:00

Greetings, Bastards, SBMF here. Our fearless leader has bestowed upon me the privilege of contributing to this humble corner of the interwebs. Or, he's lazy and doesn't want to have to contribute as often as he already doesn't. For those who don't know (i.e., everyone other than SBs -N1, UK, AP, and CS), I'm the first legacy member of the SBSC (as SBUK has the honor of being my brother), aka Youngblood, as well as the Ambassador-at-Large. I'll try to post some thoughts whenever I have any worth sharing, or if I'm just drunk and bored (can't promise which will be more frequent). I have strong proclivities towards sonic brutality, tasty and delicious brewed/distilled beverages, feats of impressive athleticism, and soul-crushing misery. Hope you enjoy.

Peace and misery.

Sad Bastards Concert Series: Bonnie Prince Billy

2009-05-24T21:56:00.004-04:00

He's the greatest...

SBKW, SBAP, and I saw Bonnie Prince Billy at the Birchmere last night.

Fantastic show.

His violinist was smoking hot.

No one got thrown out from what I can recall.

Sad Bastards Concert Series: Mastodon

2009-05-16T17:11:00.005-04:00

Mastodon get as raw as this footage

SBMF and I went to see Mastodon at the 9:30 Club this past tuesday.

They rocked.

People got thrown out (not us.)

We got t-shirts.

Mission accomplished.

Apropos de TBT

2009-04-24T06:58:00.005-04:00

Hooray for underboob!

Don't forget, the next TBT celebration is 4/28/09!

Some Guys Have All The Luck

2009-04-18T11:13:00.002-04:00

No bullshit. I flew straight into the heart of a blizzard and now find myself snowed-in, drinking beer at 9AM whilst staring out the window and watching the shit pile up. Note to self: never visit Colorado between the months of September and May.

A Song For The Bastards

2009-04-07T19:01:00.001-04:00

I, too, drink...

Rock The Vote: The Brawl To Settle It All

2009-03-27T09:24:00.004-04:00

Please vote for our de facto homebase in the DC metropolitan area, Eatbar, in the Washingtonian's best burger contest thingie.

Live Through This

2009-03-26T13:31:00.002-04:00

Apparently, the sun is going to fuck us up.

There Must Be Some Kind Of Way Out Of Here

2009-03-24T09:36:00.008-04:00

I fell asleep on the metro this morning and nearly missed my stop before I snapped back to consciousness, disoriented and agitated. I stumbled out of the train and up the escalator to the street, all the while hoping I wouldn't lose my footing and crash into the giant mechanic lumbering just ahead of me. This had never happened to me before, but as I ran to catch the bus and slumped down into an empty seat I knew exactly what the problem was.

It's time for me to go.

Now when I say "go" I don't mean in the basic unidirectional or multidirectional sense, but rather that it's time for me to move on to better things, to grasp the life that I was meant to live. You see, the accumulated events of recent weeks have revealed unto me just how stagnant my life has become. Furthermore, these revelations have brought about a heightened sense of awareness within me of the limited amount of time which we all have on this earth. Seriously, I could buy the farm tomorrow and have fuck all to show for it. This being the case, I have decided that I'm long overdue for a change. Mind you, these are not superficial, minor changes we're talking about here. No, I'm talking about some mind-altering, life-altering shit that needs to transpire.

I must burn this motherfucker to the ground and rebuild it from the ashes.

So with that, I am pleased to announce that in a few short weeks I will kick off the I AM THE RESURRECTION tour. Warm-up dates begin this weekend with an appearance in Richmond, Virginia.

Wish me luck, sad bastards, and I hope to see you on the other side.

There's Always An Upside

2009-03-23T08:06:00.008-04:00

I may have quite accidentally, stumbled upon the perfect diet for abdominals; depression. Due to a diminished appetite, I have been eating little more than one small meal a day for the last several days (I am typically, to my detriment, a 3 square meal guy...with snacks in between.) When I looked in the mirror this morning, I was astonished to see a level of abdominal definition that I have not known since my time in The Terminal. Of course, during those days, I was hefting luggage all day long and doing a structured ab workout in the evenings. These days, on the other hand, I'm mostly laying in a fetal position on the couch, staring into space and trying not to cry.

So there you have it; the secret to tight abs is all in your mind! Forget exercise and physical activity, hard work is for suckers. Just find a reason to get depressed and you will be on your way to the six-pack you've always wanted!

Sad Bastard, Where Art Thou?

2009-03-21T09:55:00.007-04:00

From the end of the earth you may cry unto me, when thou art beset by the douche and thy heart is overwhelmed by sobriety; lead me to the bar that is greater than I!

And I shall do so with gladness and singleness of heart.

Rejoice, sad bastards, your broken leader has returned.

Fresh Bills, Old Wounds

2009-03-10T23:08:00.007-04:00

It's been awhile since I rapped at you lot, but seeing as how no one can be bothered to stop by, much less leave a comment, it's no big deal. El Rojo and I just got back from this month's SBSC Titty Bar Tuesday celebration. Needless to say, it was sparsely-attended, but we understand things are busy for a lot of you guys these days. Hopefully, you'll make it out for next month's TBT gathering. Also, for the first time in awhile, I think I spent more time talking to our cocktail waitress than eyeing the dancers with that "lean and hungry look" of which I speak so often. In any case, she was pretty darn sweet, so if you find yourselves going to Camelot in the near future, ask to be seated in Erin's section.

Good News, Bad News

2009-02-19T13:05:00.003-05:00

Friday night I finally got around to wearing my new SBSC shirt. It was a hit. A number of people asked me about. They wanted to know what the SBSC is and if they could get a shirt as well. That is the good news, the shirt is a success.

Here is for the bad news. I have become an elitist. I do not want to see non-SBSC memembers sporting the new design. This is kind of a dick attitude, but I feel that I have earned these stripes. These fuckers just want to fake it because it is funny. My life has been a mess for the 30 years of my existence and the SBSC gives me some sort of comfort that I am not alone.

I apologize to SBN1 for potentially turning money away, but I cannot sell out.

I Can't Believe What I Do Late At Night.

2009-02-14T11:41:00.001-05:00

Happy Valentines Day, you sad bastards.

Now Let Us Praise These Limber Women

2009-02-11T06:39:00.007-05:00

Last night I got to thinking about the pseudo-symbiotic relationship that exists between those of our ilk and the pole-dancing practitioners that mesmerize us (and magically extract the money from our billfolds) at gentlemen's clubs.

As I realised exactly what and where I'd be without them, the wearied and hungry look that normally adorns my face was temporarily replaced by a calm smile and countenance that conveyed quiet contentment and relief.

The Semi-Feral American Bachelor: An Introduction

2009-02-08T09:30:00.010-05:00

In chapter thirteen of her groundbreaking 2002 work, BACHELORS OF NORTH AMERICA, sociologist and behaviourist K. Leopold describes a rare and fascinating subspecies known as the Semi-Feral American Bachelor:

"Originally thought to be nothing more than a folk legend (see early colonial and antebellum legends re: "The Ghost Drunkard of Clarksville" and "The Weeping Shadow of Pulaski County", or indigenous american and first nations oral histories based on "The Lost Man of the Plains") or lesser known cryptid (The Drunken Pygmy Sasquatch), the Semi-Feral American Bachelor's existence was finally proven in early 2001, after repeated sightings and confirmed contact. This initial discovery quickly lead to prolonged observation and surveillance of the specimens in their natural state. Now fully-convinced of their authenticity, we petitioned the scientific community to classify the subjects accordingly. After much deliberation and debate over nomenclature, these "lost men" would eventually come to be known as Semi-Feral American Bachelors. Described as such not only for their current detachment from suitable mates but also from society and convention."

Next: Physical Characteristics and Temperament of the SFAB.

You Stole the Love Right Out of My Heart

2009-02-07T18:26:00.005-05:00

The Rolling Stones - Doo Doo Doo Doo (Heartbreaker)

Well boys, shit's gone back to fucking up for me. Rock out and have a good weekend.

The Shirt Off My Back

2009-01-29T21:49:00.011-05:00

These colors don't run.

The latest batch of SBSC shirts have arrived! They're looking pretty sweet and best of all, they're just in time for the current economic apocalypse. Personally, I think the dreary colors and design do a fine job of capturing the current zeitgeist. Supplies are very limited, so get yours now.

Oh, what's that? You're too broke and can't afford an SBSC t-shirt? Well friend, today just happens to be your lucky day because we're having a good ol' fashioned photography contest here at the Sad Bastards Social Club! The grand prize is an extremely rare SBSC shirt? That's right, it's brand new, size XL, and it's the last one from the first batch we ever produced.

The contest's theme is REPRESENT. Contestants can submit photos of themselves wearing their SBSC shirt somewhere or of something that really captures what we're all about here at the SBSC. All entries must be photos that were taken either of or by the contestant. To enter, contestants should post photos on a hosting site (Photobucket, Flickr, etc.) and then leave a comment here with the photo's URL .

Alright, it's officially on! God speed and good luck, you sad bastards!

For Real?

2009-01-28T21:56:00.004-05:00

So I have a thing for old Soul music, I just feel it. So I have been listening to a lot of the old standbys: Otis, Marvin, Soloman, etc... Today while working I decided I need to add some Jackie Wilson to that collection. The man brought the hits, he is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

While it would be easy enough to order his cd online, I like instant gratification. When I want something, I want it right then. Well I rolled up to Best Buy in Woodbridge to pick it up tonight. Best Buy sucks, but this one does have a pretty good selection of music. Made my way to the "W" section and no Jackie Wilson. I searched every single CD in that section, nothing. While I find the dissappointing, I somewhat understand. Not a whole lot of people dig those old soul sounds.

What I found very disturbing was the fact that there were 2 copies of Winger IV. There are a number of things I find disturbing about this.

1) I had no idea Winger was still together, let alone had 4 albums.
2) Does Best Buy in Woodbridge feel they can sell any copies of this album?
3) No album by one of the original members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (1987), but multiple copies of the 4th album by one of the biggest jokes in Hair Metal.

To each his own, if you dig Winger, that is probably punishment enough. Apparently the fans are lapping this album up, check out the rave reviews.

Global Warming: An Ongoing Study of International Hotness

2009-01-27T18:20:00.006-05:00

Rule Britannia: Casey Batchelor

The sun may now set on the British empire, but they still punch above their weight class every now and then. Case in point, the talented Ms. Batchelor. Actually, one of our Richmond-based members, Micah, gets the assist for this week's edition of Global Warming. Good looking out, brother! I'm at a loss for a good pun with sufficient sexual innuedo, but I think it goes without saying she could definitely get it.

You know, I had plans for a different post today but by the time I got home I was in no condition to put together anything beyond the crap you're reading right now. I'll admit that the last couple of days have found me uncharacteristically optimistic. Now, of course, as all of my high hopes come crashing down, I'm realising the error of my ways. Yeah, seems it's best to just stick to the pessimistic, sad bastard script. Soaked, sweating, cold, worn-out, sleep-deprived, bloody, sore, and utterly disappointed, the only thing I'm looking forward to now is sucking down a Baltika, popping a Trazodone, and crashing into my bed.